and i don't know why
but the hardest i cried
was the moment you said you loved me.


i have had one of the hardest weeks
i've had in a very long time.

as each hour passed, i felt myself becoming
more and more distant.
especially this morning.
this morning was awful.

hell, would you know, i turned to mark at one point
and i couldn't even find inspiration in him?
i was so lost even mark couldn't find me.
even i couldn't find him.

i am mark's earthquake.

so i don't even have my broken, beat-up, fucked-up mind to take care of me.

so i don't have my book to take care of me.
so i don't have my love to take care of me.

at this point, i'm solely resting on god.
i'm fighting a battle with a two-man eternal army.
of course i don't take that for granted.
of course i don't take any of it for granted.

but the thing that hurts the most
is that i have so many wonderful things right now
that i wouldn't trade for the world,
and yet i feel
so
invisible.
i feel
so
weak.
i feel
so
scared.

and i wish you were here.

god, i feel so spoiled, so needy, so ungrateful.
this week just knocked me down so badly,
and i was left alone at precisely the times
when i really needed company.
and i was cushioned and you covered my eyes
when the last thing i could handle was to be blind.

i had forgotten what it was like
to start up my computer in the middle of the night
and come here.

it's time for me to step out of context
and say thank you, God, for all the beautiful things.
thank you.
and thank you, for i know, as i go through the rest of the time
it takes for all these shit feelings to end
you'll be holding my hand when it feels so empty.
so thank you.
and thank you for bringing him home soon.
i have faith in you for that.

from now on, i will try my best,
to only say thank you.
i just needed to let this out.
now, i'll try to be stronger
and happier,
independent and outwardly grateful.
because in the grand scheme of things,
i have been given so much beautiful forever
a weak week will fade someday soon.


mark,
you can come back now.